So where to go after learning how to have a Big Foot?
Why five(5) lanes? Easy to remember! I call them lanes 1 through 5. Otherwise this book could be called "Basic 11-Lane Defense," or "Basic D," or even "Basic Some-Yung-Guy D." My nets buddy, Gatno Bloch, wanted to call it the "Gatno D". Imagine? As if? I told him to write his own book.
How to visualize? Get a blank 8.5 x 11 sheet of white coupon bond or laser/inkjet paper, preferably of the 15 or 20lb variety. And a big Jumbo permanent marker, like the "King Size" from Walmart or Target school supplies, cause if you screw up, at least the smell will take you away... Stay away from the K-Mart aisle, half of them are dry & they taste funny! . And don't get the "clear" or "dazzling white" colored one! That would be just like my other buddy, foos-forward Lameaz Poole, who bought yellow toilet bowl cleaner tabs on sale at the Dollar General. His drunk buddies kept flushing & flushing & flushing....
Now lay the long side of the sheet along the edge of the goal, centered as best you can. It doesn't really matter which 11in side of the paper you cinch up to the edge of the playing surface, but I can't remember why. The sheet should fit easily under the goalie and 2-bar rods & men, which is why we use paper, & not a giant pork chop or a Honey-Baked Ham, alright? Dinner's coming!!!!
To continue... take the black or other dark-colored "King Size" marker, with cap off, please, & draw the #3 lane first: on duh paper, from the center of the goal, with as straight a line as you can do, out towards the big dot on the opposing forward's line. And don't draw past the paper all the way to the big dot, unless its YOUR table, please! For all you rectum-linearly challenged (or anal, as Don Imus would call you) foosers out there: It doesn't have to be straightedge perfect! Just enough to help visualize the lane!
Now on to the #1 lane, the one that will be closest to you as a goalkeeper. Imagine a foosball at the edge of the goal closest to you, so that tapping it slightly would knock it in easily.. But don't tap it! Jeez! I told you not to tap it! Go get another foosball! Now place the opposing forward's middle 3-bar playah, or his 32, as close to your side as possible, touching your wall with the bushing, as if he or she was setting up for a pull, or a slide-pull, or a tug-and-reach-for-the-short-ones, or whatever you call it at your asylum recroom. Now trace a line with that marker (duh..) from the center of that foosball at the near edge of the goal, out to the middle of the opposing forward's 32, or middle guy.
For the #5 lane, or the far lane, or the Ford far lane, as I call it, you would trace a line from a foosball at the far edge of the goal, towards the other forward's 32 as if he or she were setting up for a push shot. On the paper only! Don't be like our friend, Notta Klew, the receptionist 4 doors down from where I work. She works at the Modern Onsite Furniture & Kitchen Repair Inc., or MOFKR, for short. Notta drew all over our table! But she brings the beers... what is one to do?
So you have the #3 middle, #1 near, & the #5 Ford far lane. Now I'm hungry! Maybe I should have written "Basic 3-Lane Defense," instead! Not so fast! The #2 lane, between the #1 near lane & the #3 middle lane is just a trace from the edge of the paper at the goal, between the middle of a foosball at the near edge of the goal, and the middle of the goal. Or, just trace the dang thing between the straight #3 lane & the slightly flared-out #1 lane! For the fifth & final trace of the #4 lane, (I'm suddenly dizzy.....) just trace from the edge of the goal right between the straight #3 middle lane & the furthest #5 Ford far lane.
Now you can easily visualize what the basic 5-Lanes are! Voila! Snap that sheet up and sniff it before it dries completely, while you recite the Greek alphabet backwards, in Spanish! Now put the sheet back under the G2 (goalkeeper playah) & the 2-bar! Congratulations, you have the perfect audio-visual aid for Basic 5-Lane Defense! Audio? That's for advanced classes, later.... with grunting & wheezing to distract the forward, but no fartin'!!! You jez have to remember why they stink: so those snotty cellphone & iPod users can enjoy them, too.
But seriously, this is your ticket to finally having a sensible system D! For a pull, a straight would go along & through the #1 lane. A 1-quarter shot would go through the #2 lane, while a 3-quarter would go along & through the #4 lane. A long would go along & through the #5 lane, but I'm sure less than 5% of the foosers on this earth, not counting Venus & Mars, can consistently hit the extreme long. For a snake/rollover, a straight would go right along the middle #3 lane, of course, and so on.
An even better thing to do is to copy that sheet onto a clear plastic sheet, like those they sell for overhead projectors. As another of our foosers, Lemmie G. Etbent, exclaimed, "this drawing's the best thing since finding curly hairs in your tossed salad!" But that was after he learned how to move with the Basic 5-Lane Defense! How? Next chapter, and watch out, we have math! Ouch! Break out the slide-rules, calculators, neck massagers, firetrucks, & popcorn!
Now it's definitely dinner at the buffet! Where is that chocolate & fruit dippin' fountain?... Foozkillah munchin' out!
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